y did u give ur computer a hand job?
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
