Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
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