I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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