Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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