that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
