Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
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