Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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