I will die if light touches me.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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