i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
