my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
