he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
