I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
