brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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