I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
