I love black thongs
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
