she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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