apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
