Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
