the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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