Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
