You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
