toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
