Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Randomize
