You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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