I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
