If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
