i just sent this text using only my big toe
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
