So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
