Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
