I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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