Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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