your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
you're hired as official boob wrangler
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
