i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
