dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
