I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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