I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
no. you can't hotbox the world.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
