I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
