mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
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