So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Randomize
