At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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