Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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