I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
