You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
