Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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