Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
