I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
