mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Randomize
