I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
