not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
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