my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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