i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
